TRUTH? As much as I expect of myself, it’s fair to say that I expect those closest to me to be more than what they are.
The question remains, is this too great an expectation? Are you setting yourself up to be consistently disappointed? Is it wrong to expect anything at all? Let it marinate…
I do believe that it is wrong to expect things of the people around you. Not so much because you will, of course, be disappointed on many occasions, but because of the cavalier or even abusive nature of expectations as such. What is an expectation? It is something YOU consider reasonable, due or necessary. Firstly, by expecting things of others, you are proceeding from the somewhat megalomaniac assumption that your subjective judgment of what is reasonable, due or necessary was objectively correct. But you are just YOU. How could YOU know what is really correct or best for all people concerned? Secondly, by expressly expecting things of others, close ones in particular, you will normally assert pressure on them due to the implicit threat of disappointment, withdrawal of affection or even resentment on your part if they fail to fulfill your expectations. Would you do that if you love them? Now let that marinateâ¦
Sandra, these are all definitely valid points and questions! Human nature is a funny thing , forreal. I’m not sure that if you do set an expectation, and you do actually get disappointed, that it would result in an ultimatum type hustle of withdrawal, though.
Or, maybe it would? It probably takes effort to just let people be, given that everyone has expectations about themselves which likely influences what they’d hope and think about others. No? But, let this marinate too, if you don’t expect people to be any more than what they are, are you seeing the best in people?
‘Preciate you puttin’ in on this one Ms. Lady!
If I expect more of people than what they are, I am basically saying “You are not OK the way you are!”, right? Isn’t that already an implicit withdrawal of true, unconditional affection? I certainly think so. If I don’t expect more of them than what they are, I am truly capable of loving and seeing who they really are and that this already is the best they can be. If they chose to grow and learn and develop, that’s fine, but if they don’t, it should be fine with you as well - especially if you love them!
This is an interesting and important topic you put out here, and I hope that more people will share their opinion about it.
Two great points have been brought up here:
1) an individual’s expectations of others
2) an individual’s expectations for themself
Sandra I agree with your points about putting pressure on others and the tendency for withdrawal.
Clarence I agree with your point that you have to have some sort of expectation.
To some degree, I think it is important to ‘have’ expectations of others, especially those that you consider as being in close relationship with yourself. But, I use the word ‘have’ to imply that these expectations aren’t created by yourself, but rather have been developed and shared with you… like they have been entrusted to you.
I say to my friends, “This is me. These are my expectations, hopes, dreams, standards, etc…” Not this directly of course, this ‘conversation’ takes place over the years. But, they develop, through relationship, a set of ideas that frames who I am to them and what kinds of things, actions, statements, etc., that can be reasonably expected of me.
This could be why change is so difficult for humans. We depend on the stability of others’ roles in our lives to maintain a predictable, safe environment - some more than others. However, if you aren’t changing, then you aren’t growing. Not radical change, but growth for sure is necessary. All living things grow. Growth = Change.
So, there needs to be some flexibility with these expectations with which we are entrusted. They should be developed WITH the other person.
To borrow from the old saying - I scratch your back, you scratch mine. You can’t very well go around scratching people’s backs and then demand that they scratch yours. That falls more closely in line with the saying - An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.